Resentment

Sometimes I really resent having to lose weight. With the temperatures dropping and Fall officially arriving next week, the start of the unofficial baking season begins. I’m not as tempted to bake in the summer because I try to avoid having the oven on. And I’m out of the house more, keeping myself busy. But lately, baking temptations have been popping up everywhere. Brown Sugar Pumpkin Cheesecake with Chocolate Shortbread Crust? Cake Batter Blondies with Marshmallow Buttercream? Cheesy breadsticks to accompany big bowls of hot, comforting pasta? Yes, yes, and yes please.

But I can’t bake all of these things. Sure, I can make them, try one serving, and give the rest away, and I will do that sometimes. I love sharing my baking with people almost as much as I love eating it. That’s a lot of temptation to be around though, and even having just one little blondie could use up a whole meal’s worth of points. It’s nice that Weight Watchers gives you the flexibility of using your points that way if you want, but I know that’s not a healthy way to eat in the long-term.

I know I have no one but myself to blame, and that having bakefests are part of the reason I’m on this journey now, but it still sucks. It’s hard not to get really bratty and think it’s unfair that I can’t just eat what I want and enjoy all the deliciousness in the world. I don’t see this ever not being a struggle for me, and sometimes that seems overwhelming. I have a lot of Christmas cookie seasons ahead of me, a lot of friends’ birthdays and other special events, and it’s just plain exhausting to think about having to worry about points and putting limits on things for every special occasion for the rest of my life.

I know it’s worth it, or at least it will be once I’ve reached my goal and feel better about myself. But right now I just don’t like it. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.