Monday, September 26, 2011

Slow Progress

Small loss at WW today - 0.6 lbs. Not terrible, especially because I definitely went over my points this weekend with everything I ate and drank while out in Boston with my brother and cousins. But not stellar either. I now have to lose 3.4 lbs in two weeks in order to meet the next goal that I set for myself. That's definitely doable, but it's not necessarily a sure thing, considering last week I was perfectly on plan and lost no weight.

But. I'm going to do my best to make it happen, and when I do, I'll only be 3 pounds away from my 10% goal and that keychain from Weight Watchers!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Overeating = The Visible Addiction

I read something on a blog today that really got me thinking. Emily of One Twenty Five wrote:
"sometimes being over weight sucks and is hard and isn’t fun - especially if you’re a girl in today’s society. Being over weight is the one vice that when you step out the door, everyone knows you have, so yea, it gets hard."

It's really true. You can be a smoker, or an alcoholic, or a sex addict and not have it be visible to the world automatically. But there's no way to hide the fact that you're an overeater. Now, I'm not advocating that anyone start drinking excessively or smoking crack to avoid food, as surely the path down those roads is no easier than that of an overweight person. In fact, I'd say that except for in extreme cases where overeating is causing significant health problems, it's one of the better vices to have, comparatively speaking. In a way, I feel pretty virtuous that my weakness is cake and cheesy poofs. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, I am strictly a social drinker, I wouldn't know where to score drugs even if I wanted to, and given my recent prolonged streak of celibacy, I'd be the worst sex addict ever. So yay me! But, why then am I visually punished more so than people with those other vices or addictions? I've made (mostly) good choices in my life, yet my love of food is written across my arms, stomach, hips, ass, and thighs in a way no smoker or drinker ever experiences. Where is the justice there?

Stuck

So, Weight Watchers sucked yesterday. I lost no weight. Same exact weight as last week. At least it wasn't a gain, and I know I should be happy about that, but it still sucks. A whole week of tracking points and exercising like crazy for no progress at all. Blech. It would be one thing if I knew I cheated or went over my points. But I didn't, at all. Yes, I used every last one of my points, but that's what they're there for. And I even did little bits of exercise here and there throughout the week while watching TV that I didn't even log for activity points, so I thought that would help too. Nope. I still feel that I'll be able to hit my next goal with no problem - lose 4 pounds by October 10 - but I was hoping to make progress toward it this week. The closer we get to fall, with all its glorious foods and holidays and hiding inside under blankets, the harder it's going to be to lose weight, I know. So I wanted to have a good head start and not have my progress stalled. Plus, I'm super competitive, even with myself, and I hate that my streak of losing weight was broken. Five weeks in a row and then I blew it. Yuck.

Because I was frustrated yesterday, and just in a generally glum mood for a variety of reasons, I ate way more than I should have last night and used 10 of my extra weekly points yesterday. Stupid. I hate using points that early in the week, as that means now I have to exercise even more to give myself a cushion for the weekend. I'll be away this weekend visiting with family, and the foods available to me will be pretty much out of my control. I'm going to do my best to make good decisions, but it's a lot harder to do when I'm eating out at restaurants or eating food someone else has prepared. I NEED to post some good numbers on Monday though, both for my mental health and because on Tuesday I am taking the day off to go to the Big E, the largest fair in the Northeast. Basically, the Big E is synonymous with fried things, and Weight Watchers be damned, I'm going to enjoy myself!

At my WW meeting yesterday, the leader asked who uses all of their weekly points. I was absolutely shocked to find that most people don't. A couple of women even commented that 49 points is a lot and they have a hard time using them even if they wanted to. I'm sorry, WHAT??? I don't get it. Do these people never leave the house? I guess if I never went out with friends, or didn't drink alcohol, or had no life at all, it would be fairly easy to stick with the 29 points/day and not use many of the extra points. But wow, in my 6 weeks of WW so far, I think there was only one week where I didn't use all 49 points. Hell, the last two weeks I used them all plus 25 - 30 activity points. I'm sort of envious of these women that don't need to use them, but at the same time I wouldn't trade my life and the fun times I have with friends over good food and drinks for anything in the world.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Resentment

Sometimes I really resent having to lose weight. With the temperatures dropping and Fall officially arriving next week, the start of the unofficial baking season begins. I’m not as tempted to bake in the summer because I try to avoid having the oven on. And I’m out of the house more, keeping myself busy. But lately, baking temptations have been popping up everywhere. Brown Sugar Pumpkin Cheesecake with Chocolate Shortbread Crust? Cake Batter Blondies with Marshmallow Buttercream? Cheesy breadsticks to accompany big bowls of hot, comforting pasta? Yes, yes, and yes please.

But I can’t bake all of these things. Sure, I can make them, try one serving, and give the rest away, and I will do that sometimes. I love sharing my baking with people almost as much as I love eating it. That’s a lot of temptation to be around though, and even having just one little blondie could use up a whole meal’s worth of points. It’s nice that Weight Watchers gives you the flexibility of using your points that way if you want, but I know that’s not a healthy way to eat in the long-term.

I know I have no one but myself to blame, and that having bakefests are part of the reason I’m on this journey now, but it still sucks. It’s hard not to get really bratty and think it’s unfair that I can’t just eat what I want and enjoy all the deliciousness in the world. I don’t see this ever not being a struggle for me, and sometimes that seems overwhelming. I have a lot of Christmas cookie seasons ahead of me, a lot of friends’ birthdays and other special events, and it’s just plain exhausting to think about having to worry about points and putting limits on things for every special occasion for the rest of my life.

I know it’s worth it, or at least it will be once I’ve reached my goal and feel better about myself. But right now I just don’t like it. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I did it!

I went to Weight Watchers today for my weekly meeting and weigh-in, and I lost 3.2 lbs! That's even better than I'd expected, and means I got both another 5 lb. sticker for hitting the 10 lb. mark, and I got my 5% sticker as well. Yay!

If nothing else, this week was a great example of how you can eat a lot and still lose weight as long as you're still within your points. And that if the points you're given aren't enough for what you want to eat, you need to exercise. Without the 31 activity points that I earned, this week could easily have been a 3.2 gain! I'm feeling reassured that I can make it through football season and anything else ahead as long as I'm smart about it and am sure to do enough exercise to offset what I eat. A new week has begun, and so far, so good. Some fiber cereal for breakfast and half a Subway sandwich (meat and lots of veggies) and half a bag of Baked Lays for lunch leaves me with 18 points for the rest of the day, and it's already almost 2:30. Plenty of points to have a buffalo chicken quesadilla and a margarita or beer while I watch the Patriots tonight, and even enough for a WW ice cream bar for dessert! I'm not sure you're supposed to make your days so point-heavy at the end, but it's working for me so far. I'd much rather have a light breakfast (I pretty much never skip breakfast though) and have more flexibility later in the day. If I find myself hitting a plateau, switching that around will be one of the things I try to break through it, but for now, I'm not changing a thing.

I'll update my Mini Goals every time I reach one of the goals, or the date by which I was supposed to reach a goal. So here we go:

My Mini Goals:
10 lbs. by September 12  Done, on schedule!
15 lbs. by October 10
18 lbs. (my 10% goal) by October 24
20 lbs. by November 7
25 lbs. by December 5
28 lbs. (my 15% goal) by December 19
30 lbs. by January 2
35 lbs. by January 30
38 lbs. (my 20% goal) by February 20
40 lbs. by March 5
45 lbs. by March 26
47 lbs. (my 25% goal) by April 9
50 lbs. by April 23 - GOAL WEIGHT!!

I'm a pound ahead of where I planned to be today, which means I have four weeks to lose four pounds and reach my next goal. I'm hopeful that it won't take that long (and really, I'm determined that it won't) but I wanted to give myself some leeway when making these goals because I'd rather overestimate the amount of time and be pleasantly surprised than be too aggressive and be continually disappointed if I don't hit the marks. It's working so far!

Loving yourself

I read a lot of blogs. Mostly food blogs, which is pretty ironic given that I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight. On one of the baking blogs I read (http://buddingbaketress.blogspot.com/), the author, Kerry, wrote a different kind of post over the weekend, talking about her weight struggles. She's lost over 100 pounds, but recently gained back about 20 of them and is really frustrated with herself. Tons of readers left her encouraging comments that I sort of skimmed through, but one in particular stuck out to me.

That commenter basically said Kerry should love herself at any size and stop trying to lose weight, that her body has a weight it wants to be at and she shouldn't try so hard to fight it. The commenter mentioned that's overweight herself, but she and her boyfriend love her body and that's all that matters.

I have sort of mixed feelings about this. Yes, I absolutely believe we need to love ourselves, and that's something I'm working on. We need to not judge ourselves so harshly or be quite so critical. We need to give ourselves a break and cut ourselves some slack when we slip up and overindulge or hit snooze too many times and miss a workout. I'm not denying any of those things. However, as someone who has ridden the weight see-saw over the last decade, I know for a fact that life is just a little better when I'm thinner. It's easier to go clothes shopping. It's easier to walk up stairs. My knees hurt less. I feel more confident. Maybe I should still feel confident at the size I am now, but I don't. Is that wrong? I don't know. But I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to better myself, trying to gain a healthier life so that I can live longer with more enjoyment. If someone is truly happy and content at the weight/size they're at, more power to them. But for me, I am not happy with myself right now. I know I'll be a happier person when I can fit back into the clothes in my closet that are currently too small. I'll be a happier person when I don't feel the need to cross my arms over my waist when I sit down or hold a pillow in my lap when sitting on the couch. I'll be a happier person when I don't automatically assume a cute guy will go for the skinnier girl next to me in the bar. Maybe that's shallow of me to say, but I don't think so. I think it's real.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Football = Food

Weight Watchers is hard if you have any semblance of a social life. On days where I do nothing but go to work and go home, I rarely have a problem sticking within my 29 points. Sure, I still have to think about what I eat and make different choices than I would have a month ago, but I feel like I can generally still eat good foods and not feel totally deprived.

Days/nights when I go out are a different story. It is HARD to make good choices and to go without the foods that have become second nature to me to order. Weekly happy hours have become strategy sessions and pure tests of will power. Now that football season has started, that's even more the case. I go out to watch football with my friends nearly every week. And that involves beer, wings, burgers, etc. Foods that, to me, are as synonymous with football as turkey is with Thanksgiving. I figured out that last year, I averaged about 100 WW points in a single Football Sunday outing. That's a whole day's worth of points, plus the whole week of bonus points, plus almost another whole day. In an 8 hour span or so. Wow.

What I really like about WW compared to other "diet" programs is that you can eat what you want. There are no "forbidden fruits". No one saying I can't eat carbs, or fats, or chocolate, or whatever. And I like that. But going out and participating in the rituals that I've become used to has shown me that while it's true that I don't have to deny myself any of those things, they sure as hell add up. By halftime of the first game today, I'd already consumed 29 points. That's my entire day's points. With 5 buffalo wings and two pints of Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat. That's it. A whole day's worth of points. For food and beer that took no time at all to consume. What?? Yesterday I was home all day and had a hard boiled egg, a can of tuna with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, some homemade whole wheat tortilla chips, a buffalo chicken quesadilla, a fresh strawberry margarita, and a Weight Watchers ice cream bar for the same amount of points. Which is a better option? All of that, or what I consumed today in no time at all?

It's all about decisions and making choices about how best to use my points. Yes, I enjoyed my wings and beers, but because I'd already used up my 49 weekly points between happy hour and my friend's birthday on Friday, that meant that anything else I consumed for the rest of the day would be eating into my activity points. I earned 27 activity points this week, and wanted to save them so that any exercise was a bonus on top of my better eating and would accelerate my weight loss. I didn't want to touch them. But I did. I touched all 27 because of the things that I felt I "needed" to have to go along with a football game. And I ate two more points than I had. Which meant that when I got home, I needed to do a second workout today, just to earn a few more points and bring myself out of the negative. It's only week one and there's a lot of season left, so I've got to figure out how to balance the experience and atmosphere of watching football with some of my best friends with the knowledge that I cannot overdo it as much as I did this week. I'm hoping I didn't blow it for weigh in tomorrow, but even if I didn't, I may not be so lucky next time!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Starting Over

I started this blog nearly nine months ago but wrote a whopping total of 4 posts, 3 of which I just deleted. I want to start fresh, and intend, for the time being at least, for this to be a sort of a Weight Watchers diary as I follow the program. I want to post about both the ups and downs so that I have something to look back on as I stumble along the way.

I started Weight Watchers on August 9 and as of my weigh-in last week, I had lost 7.8 lbs. Pretty good for 4 weeks, I guess. I've been alternating really good weeks with so-so weeks, but luckily so far I've not yet posted a gain!

Week 1: -3 lbs
Week 2: -1 lbs (particularly remarkable considering it was my birthday week and I didn't count points for two and a half days!)
Week 3: -3.2 lbs
Week 4: -0.6 lbs

In Week 3 I earned my 5 lb. sticker, and this week I'm hoping to earn both my 5% and 10 lb. stickers. I need to lose 1.2 for my 5% goal and 2.2 to reach 10 lbs. Based on my home scale and my weight this morning, I should hit both of those goals when I go to weigh-in on Monday, but it all depends on how much self control and good judgment I have tomorrow on the first Football Sunday of the season!

All in all, I really like the Weight Watchers program. It's NOT easy, that's for sure. Not for someone that loves food as much as I do and whose social life revolves so much around eating and drinking. But, it IS doable. And it's really opened my eyes about my prior habits and how I got to a point where I needed to lose nearly 60 pounds to be at my ideal goal weight (which is still on the high end of the WW recommendations for someone of my height!). When I think now about the things that I used to eat without a second thought, and not only WHAT I ate, but how MUCH I ate, it's really pretty sickening and no surprise that I gained so much weight.

So, so far so good. I do see this as a program I can follow for an extended length of time, probably forever. I know I'll have bad days, and on those days I just need to remember the victories I have had along the way and remind myself that it's worth doing. I just turned 30 three weeks ago and I refuse to go through another decade of my life being unhappy and overweight and missing out on things because I'm too self-conscious. So this time it's clicked for me and I'm excited to see the progress I'll continue to make!

My Mini Goals:
10 lbs. by September 12
15 lbs. by October 10
18 lbs. (my 10% goal) by October 24
20 lbs. by November 7
25 lbs. by December 5
28 lbs. (my 15% goal) by December 19
30 lbs. by January 2
35 lbs. by January 30
38 lbs. (my 20% goal) by February 20
40 lbs. by March 5
45 lbs. by March 26
47 lbs. (my 25% goal) by April 9
50 lbs. by April 23 - GOAL WEIGHT!!

It's pretty discouraging when I look at the fact that it will likely take me another seven months to reach my goal weight, but I'm trying to be realistic. And I think that by setting up small goals, in either 5 lb. increments or based on small percentages, it gives me easier numbers to work toward and also lets me adjust my goals more easily if I find that I've been either too aggressive or not aggressive enough with my time frame.

Two more days until the next weigh-in!